


No Man Is A Hero To His Valet (Or his Ex-Waifu)

by RazorMermaid



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Explicit Language, Maid Mike, Multi, Pontificating Erwin, There's a plot somewhere, hopefully funny!, somewhat nsfw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-02
Updated: 2015-05-02
Packaged: 2018-03-26 17:31:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3858928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RazorMermaid/pseuds/RazorMermaid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A little Erwin humor.</p><p>Anyway... I hope you like it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Man Is A Hero To His Valet (Or his Ex-Waifu)

“You have to see the Commander.” Squad Leader Zacharias is annoyed with me again. 

“What have I done this time?” I wondered if this was something actually real that I had done; or something else. 

“Some version of all your other mistakes, I’m sure.”

“I haven’t been on a mission in three days! And if you didn’t notice I was personally commended by General Pixis for bravery. I didn’t make any mistakes.”

“Don’t get mouthy with me, Corporal! Or the Commander. He seemed especially pissed off this time, so I wouldn’t push it.”

“Didn’t I follow orders correctly during the raid?” 

When Mike turned back to her it was like a tree turning around. 

Mike was huge. He was head and shoulders taller than me. He was even taller than Commander Smith who was basically worshipped and popularly believed to be ten feet tall.

I had gone though training with the two of them, years before, and then had to quit when I got married. The Scouting Corps didn’t allow married women. 

I had divorced my husband due to “abandonment”… without his knowledge. It had become a common occurrence in the last five years. Men and women soldiers left and didn’t come back. There was often no evidence of their deaths other than eyewitness accounts. 

I had gone back into the military under my maiden name: Jullisa Loveno. To say my former husband was not pleased was an understatement.

“You did what you shouldn’t have. What _I’ve_ expressly told you not to do. What _Commander Smith_ told you not to do.” He said quietly so only she could hear. He seemed genuinely vexed with her.

Mike gave Jullisa an angry glance and then grabbed her by the back of her jacket and said loudly, “Come on, Corporal. The longer you delay the worse it’ll be. Learn to take orders.”

As Juli was being dragged along she noticed the faces she was passing by were all focused on her. Some looked sympathetic, others just shrugged. She was so often being called before the Commanding officer that it wasn’t even remarkable anymore. Three times a week, lately. Then there were the few who just pointed and laughed. 

“Hey, Loveno! What’s it gonna be this time? A week filing paperwork or chopping wood till dawn??” She recognized the voice as Bazzo, from 4th brigade, and silently gave him the finger him deserved. 

Mike saw her gesture even though she tried to hide it and, grabbing her wrist, twisted her arm behind her back.

He also called out a warning, “Watch yourself, Bazzo! I saw that shoddy repair job you did… you’re probably next on the Commander’s shit list!”

Zacharias dragged her into headquarters and down the hall to the Commander’s office. Then past it, through the courtyard and up the stairs to the officer’s quarters. They stopped at the last door at the end. 

Mike let go of her arm and rubbed her shoulder consolingly, “You should have listened to us, Juli. But, to be perfectly honest… I like it when you don’t. So does Erwin.”

He knocked and opened the door.

Erwin Smith, 13th Commander of the Scouting Legion, was, predictably, at his desk. The desk had a window behind it so she could clearly see the neatly stacked piles of papers and files, his antique pen stand, and his beautifully delineated outline.

Erwin Smith had this affect on her. It was just enough for her to get the most delicious fizzy feeling in her blood. To the point it was making her a little giddy for a second. 

She had to remember that she was annoyed and about to be yelled at. Again. For nothing. 

Neat fair hair, broad shoulders, white shirt, the 3dmg harness across his chest … and his hands. His hands were as beautiful as the rest of him. White sleeves rolled up to his elbows showed off his perfectly muscled forearms and wrists. 

His hands were the first thing she had noticed about him in training camp. Her people were farmers; his clearly were not. His hands were slim and strong, but smooth and unscarred. Obviously, he was not from a family that did labor.

The next thing she had noticed had been his voice. It was less deep then than it was now… not so used to giving orders. But it had the same tone; the same thrilling resonance that ran up the back of her neck and down between her shoulders making her nerves crackle. She knew she’d have the same reaction when he finally decided to speak to her this time as well.

Mike put his hand on the small of her back and pushed her firmly into the room. He leaned in a little and sniffed at her neck as was his rather eccentric custom. 

Usually, this cursory greeting sniff was followed by a sneer. But that had never happened to her. Mike made the softest possible rumble in the back of his throat when he sniffed Juli. Every. Single. Time.

He passed behind her, his hip brushing her back, and he went to lean against the wall to the side of the door.

“And now here comes the part where I wait to be acknowledged,” Jullisa thought to herself, “He just loves this.”

She stood there waiting for him to address her. Waited. And waited some more. There was actually time enough to watch the shadow of his penholder move across the desk. 

Yet he still kept scratching away at the papers in front of him. He had such control he didn’t even flick his eyes in her direction. 

Also, she was pretty sure Mike had fallen asleep. She couldn’t even hear him breathing. 

So, it was basically a stalemate. Who was going to speak first? Juli, out of annoyed frustration; or Erwin, because he wanted this game set to his pace.

She turned her head just enough to see Mike and found him staring at her back. 

“Eyes forward, Corporal.” The devil spoke. It appeared he hadn’t even looked up. 

“Yes, Commander.” 

“Are you interested in why you’ve been standing there so long?” That voice. She knew anyone else in her position would be shaking in their boots. But his voice had never frightened her. Even when he had been angry, or yelling during battle, she had never been afraid of it. Or him. Quite the opposite.

“Yes, Commander.”

“Because it’s customary for subordinates to salute their superiors. Especially when they are under disciplinary action.” Mike snorted behind her. She heard him shift his position.

If that was going to be his opening salvo, then it was officially game on. Fine.

“I’m sorry, Commander Smith. I was not told the exact circumstances of this meeting and didn’t understand the seriousness you attached to it. I was told by Squad Leader Zacharias that it had something to do with what occurred on my last sortie. A sortie that, if you will remember, I have been personally commended for by General Pixis. I cannot recall anything I did on that sortie that either the Commander, or Squad Leader Zacharias, could demand punitive action for as I had two successful kills and assisted in three more. Therefore, without that information, along with this meeting being located in your personal quarters and not being in your office as all official business usually is…. I assumed this was a social call. Hence, no salute.”

She paused for a second to let him know she was finished and then slowly put her feet together and curled her right hand up over her heart and put the left forearm across her back in the salute he had asked for. 

Then Juli decided to push Erwin’s buttons and make things worse. She put her right foot behind the left and made a slight curtsey. As if he were the king. 

That’s when he raised his eyes to hers. 

‘You started this, danchou.’ She thought, staring right back at him. 

“Mike. Lock the door.” 

Juli heard the lock click as Erwin stood. 

As always he was perfect. No wrinkles in his clothes. Not a stain or a tear. Not a thread out of place. It was maddening. What was under the clothes was just as perfect. She knew every square inch of him better than she knew herself. The smooth muscles and ragged scars. All of them. She had touched all of them with her hands, her lips, her tongue.

Mike grabbed her wrists and crossed them in front of her, his arms going around her tightly. She fought him a little but stopped the moment he pinned her firmly back against his chest. 

Mike was always a furnace, even through his clothes. She loved his warmth. He rubbed his cheek on the top of her head, and then straightened as Erwin came near. 

Crossing his arms over his perfect chest, he sat on the edge of his desk. They were almost eye to eye now. But he kept the advantage of having her look up at him. He’d keep any advantage he could with her. 

“Two kills is very impressive.” He said slowly and quietly, “But I distinctly told you to have none.”

She elbowed Mike in the stomach and tried to shake him off. He only grabbed her tighter, raising one hand to her throat and letting the other snake across her belly, “You can’t actually expect me to go out with my squad and NOT kill titans! That’s just crazy. It’s why I came back!”

Erwin leaned forward and got right in her face and growled, “WRONG. I can tell you to do anything I want.” 

He stayed there studying her. Like he was trying to read her mind. Waiting for her to break eye contact. 

Waiting for her to break. 

But she didn’t. Jullisa didn’t give any ground to him. It was like the fights they used to have as cadets. 

“I don’t have to listen to you anymore, Er–WIN.” She whispered back to him just as slowly and even more low. She deliberately used the old, annoying way of saying his name that used to make him crazy, “You aren’t my squad leader now!” 

She didn’t finish with the unspoken words between them since he discovered she had come back. Juli could feel the heat stealing across her face.

His mouth went up a bit at one corner. It was what passed for a mean smile of triumph, and he broke eye contact. 

“No, Loveno, I’m not. But Mike is.” He grabbed a piece of paper off the top of his inbox and held it up in front of her. Juli grabbed it with both hands. Mike leaned over her shoulder to read it as well.

Erwin read out loud from memory: “From the desk of Commander Erwin Smith on the recommendation of General Dot Pixis, effective immediately, blahblahblah…. Jullisa Loveno is hereby promoted to Lance Corporal and assigned to the Special Titan Action Team.” 

“What the hell is this?!” she screeched, “What the fuck is the ‘Special Titan Action Team’??” 

Mike laughed as he plucked the paper from her and finished reading it, “It’s you, me and Erwin, babe.” He pulled her around to face him just by sheer manhandling so he could kiss her. And squeeze her ass. And untuck her shirt to get to her boobs. 

It was a severely sloppy, wet, warm, hands-in-his-hair kiss that lasted longer than it should have; but Juli had never had the best self-control when it came to all six-foot-five of Fuck Me Zacharias. Hardly any at all. Except when she was pissed.

Boy, was she.

She finally got enough leverage to put her hand over Mike’s fuzzy face and push him away. She needed to get some distance between them just for her own personal composure. 

Breaking his grip, she stumbled a little, tugging at her clothes to straighten them, and then rounded on Erwin sticking a finger right in his face, “Excuse you, Ivan! I’m not leaving my squad so I can sit next to you two perverts all day and play house!”

As an emphasis, she pulled her foot back to deliver a vicious shin kick, but he was too fast for her.

“Okay, be that way.” Erwin grabbed her wrist, ducked under her arm and hoisted her up over his shoulder before she knew what happened to her. He then pinned her legs together so she couldn’t move her feet to kick him and started towards his bedroom, with Mike close behind.

“'Next to us' is entirely optional. ‘Between’ has always been my favorite… and Mike prefers ‘under’,” Mike grunted in assent, “But as Hange says: Experimentation only leads to greater knowledge. As always, I am for the advancement of Humanity! However, the playing house thing does sound intriguing! I would love to get you a maid’s costume, if you want. My tailor is an ask-no-questions kind of guy. Mike already has one.”

Juli braced her hands on Erwin’s hips and looked behind her at the huge man, “Really?”

“Yeah. It’s pink! With black fishnets.” He didn’t even look embarrassed.

She vowed to examine why that turned her on so much. But later.

Hitting the already half-open door wide with his majestic booted foot, Erwin took two steps and threw her on the large bed. 

Landing square in the middle of his sumptuous, velvet-blanketed, remarkably firm mattress, she reflexively bounced up onto her feet as the covers settled around her. Grabbing two pillows, she flung them across the room nailing both the Commander and her new Squad Leader right in their surprised faces. 

Throwing the large velvet square so it would land in front of the fireplace, Mike shucked his jacket and threw it on a chair, “You’ve still got the moves, Mrs. Smith.”

“DO NOT CALL ME THAT. We’re DIVORCED!”

She had been in this room twice in the last week under similar circumstances, but there hadn’t been a fire, blankets, lit candles, or the ice-filled bucket with wine. 

"What no roses? Must not be enough in the Legion's sexcapades budget this quarter??" 

Erwin slowly removed the pillow from his face and said with more sarcasm than she had ever heard from him, “You don’t seem pleased with this promotion. Didn’t I mention the pay raise? Or the new quarters? They’re right next door. Your things are even moved in already.” He pointed to the wall behind the bed.

“How convenient. For YOU!” She shuffled backwards to be able to see them better.

The two of them were taking up positions on either side of the bed. Commander Handjob was removing his bolo and Cannon Pants already had his leg harness straps off.

Blondie decided to expound on his theme, “I actually considered having a discrete door added, but it wouldn’t be seemly; and, of course, I’m so respected any damage to my reputation would damage the Scouting Legion.” 

“You're NOT an actual dictator, Irvin. You’re just a DICK!” she spat at him.

She jumped to the footboard, pushing herself off it with a one-footed leap towards the door. 

She would have made it, too, but Mike grabbed her out of mid-air and straight into a crushing bride carry. He lifted her, like she wasn’t made of solid muscle and formidable soldier reflexes, so he could lick her exposed belly because he knew she hated that. 

“That’s legit gross. Do you know that? You aren’t really a dog!” she hissed, struggling ineffectually in his grasp.

“But you like my tongue every other place. I’ve heard you scream so. Repeatedly.” To prove his uncouth, yet devilish, point he used the practically prehensile muscle to touch the tip of his nose. 

Juli was absolutely certain that if she had been standing upright her panties would have hit the floor so hard Wall Rose would have thought it was under Colossal Titan attack.

“Good catch, Mike! She’s still so tricky and hard to grab.” Erwin was kicking off his boots. He only had his white pants left on, button undone, and from the outline she could see in the shifting firelight… the Commander was commando.

“You know, waifu, cornering you in the shower was always my favorite training exercise. So slippery!”

Juli and Mike looked at one another and then at Erwin, “Which one of us are you talking to?”

Erwin shrugged, “Either. Both. Or am I thinking of someone else?” {Insert mental pic of Levi’s ass here.}

“That’s EX-waifu to you, Ewan!” Juli informed him while absentmindedly unbuckling Mike’s chest straps and accidentally sensually licking his ear.

The Commander pointed at the blankets in front of the fire and Mike knelt down, placing Juli down in front of him on her knees. Erwin stood in front of them for a moment before joining them on the soft cushions and warm, furry coverlets.

Removing her chest harness and shirt fell to Mike’s big, tanned hands and Erwin’s long, pale, papercut fingers were working at her belt. Mike’s hands covered her finally naked breasts and he bit and kissed the muscle on the side of her neck. Meanwhile, Erwin practically purred against her lips as his fingers found entrance into her more than damp panties and his tongue pried her teeth open so he could lick her tonsils.

Then they switched places. Erwin’s mouth began a making a titan-sized hickey on her neck while his thumbs found really nice things to do to her nips as Mike pushed her pants down her hips. He inserted his hands down the back of her basically wrecked, strawberry printed underpants, and once again proved: no matter who was in front of him… he was an ass man. 

Juli, breathless and seriously in need of a double-bara orgasmaquake, was unable to concentrate on being angry/put-upon/indignant any more and decided to deliver her “manga romcom last funny statement before sexy sexxxy hijinks” line.

“Oh my god… What is it with you two? It’s like you just got out of prison!”

 

Ninety Minutes Later:

“Where are you going?” Erwin asked, watching Juli put on her clothes, “This is only my 437th time losing my precious first kiss to you. Please take responsibility.”

Juli smiled at her stupidly sexy ex and his best friend as they lay exhaustedly in front of the fire. Erwin reclined against the now hopelessly ruined pillows looking like, well, "Erwin 'I’m prettier than you and I know it. Also, I have a bomb D.' Smith". Anywhere on him that wasn’t a flawless porcelain was pink from scratches, restraint-holds… spanks. 

And Mike. Goddamn Mike, wineglass in hand and cigarette on his lips, was the most ridiculously handsome human male she had ever seen in his shortie maid’s costume and lacy headband. The sight of him in those fishnet thigh-highs was truly inspiring. He was going to be finding new and excitingly placed bite-bruises on his body for a week.

They were both covered in their own love juices as well as each others. Well, Erwin definitely was. White on whiter, as it were. Like diamonds. It was more difficult to tell with Mike since his maid’s uniform may have soaked it up a little… but that thing was either destined for the dry cleaners or the dumpster, no doubt.

“Sorry, kittens, I have a date.”

That got their attention, “With who?” they said together.

“Petra.” She said a little shyly. The pretty redhead had come up to her during practice yesterday and offered to discuss some 3dmg tips with her. In her quarters. Tonight. After curfew.

“Petra? Holy cow, Jules! Really?” 

She finished buttoning her shirt and put on her jacket. She wouldn’t bother with the leather harness. If kawaii little Petra wanted her to wear it, she could put it back on her with her own delicate little hands.

“I know! It’s really strange. Last time I joined the Scouting Legion I was all about dick. But this time, WHAM! I’m all YAY! Vagina! Must be something in the water.”

She looked back at her two beloved fucktoys, “Not that this has to stop, of course. But, uh, now that I’m single again, Ivor… I guess you’ll just have to knock on your wall when I’m too loud. Thanks to all you’ve taught me I think I can make Miss Ral sing like a teakettle!”

Jullisa Loveno grabbed a bottle of wine and exited her former husband’s bedroom/sex den with a wave of her hand, a smile on her face, and a very slight limp, “Same time next week is good for me!”

 

Mike handed Erwin his cig so he could take a drag, “Do you want me to marry her this time?”

“No. You don’t have to.” Erwin exhaled a sinuous smoky breath and snuggled deeper into the covers.

“Well, how are we supposed to keep her from getting killed fighting Titans? You know she’ll never put up with this Titan Squad thing. Tomorrow she’ll be back out training with her crew.”

“Don’t worry, I can report her anytime I want. We’re not really divorced. I’ve seen the paperwork. I’m too famous for her to put ‘Erwin Smith’ on a legal paper of divorcement. I mean who would believe she’d want to be away from all this?” He gestured down his statuesque body, “Plus, I’m obviously alive. She cunningly put the wrong name down. She divorced ‘Irving Smith’.”

Mike laughed, leaning over his senior officer’s back and tickling him with the lace on his apron to retrieve his cig, “Wow, you’re a tricky bastard, Erwin. Irving. Ivor. Ewan. Irvin.”

“She can use any of those she wants. Won’t make any difference. None of those are my real name.”

“Seriously?” Mike pulled his commander over onto his back and placed a fingerless, lace-gloved hand on the thick, muscly lines of his perfectly delineated stomach, rubbing gently to get his attention. 

“So, uh… what is your real name?” 

Erwin threw his head back in a long suffering sigh. Well, somebody would have to know eventually. He closed his eyes tightly and steeled himself for the admission.

“It’s Maurice.”

Mike gasped, “Dude. That’s awful. Why would your parents do that to you?”

“Tell me about it. I could just kill my Father.”

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave comments or kudos! :)


End file.
